Being in love with the idea of being in love.
My perspective stayed into adulthood. I found myself jumping from relationship to relationship, in search of a (perfect) man. Nothing short of perfect would do. There was a deep void within my soul and I was determined to fill it. Little did I know, this void would take me on a wild adventure.
Unwanted daddy issues.
Daddy issues started to bust through my seams in high school. I found myself attracted to the guys that were emotionally unavailable. The more emotionally unavailable, the better. I found pleasure in chasing someone who offered me nothing more than rejection and pain. My view of love become tattered and stained and I was forced to believe that rejection was some sick form of love.
The harder they were to catch, the more they “loved” me. I was led down a very dark valley due to this perspective. (One of those valleys was in and of itself the reason I came back to the Lord. But that’s a discussion for another day.) My type was now classified as the rugged bad boy. Of course, these boys naturally had daddy issues themselves. Because what kind of chaos would it be without all the mess? This was my new normal.
That’s until I met my husband. He was completely different than any guy I had ever dated. His sense of normality was refreshing and attractive from the beginning. He was different, well-rounded, and level headed. He was exactly the Prozac Jesus I had been looking for.
Wanting a Savior but not really a Lord.
The journey back to salvation was rugged and hard. Most people will agree that it was a painful situation that led them back to the foot of the cross. My story was no different. My exit out of an unhealthy relationship left me with nothing but my sanity (and most days even that was questionable.) I was lost and in search of a savior.
Nearly a year after my painful breakup, I found grace and redemption in Jesus. I found myself frustrated at the fact that although Jesus saved me from eternal death, I was still dealing with everyday issues. I thought to come to Jesus meant that my issues were long gone. Oh, how my theology was skewed. I was searching for an instant gratification and instead, Jesus wanted to walk me through a complete healing.
I spent countless days questioning my love for my husband. Questions like, “Was he really the one?” or “Did I make a wrong choice?” were filling my head. Maybe I heard God wrong or rushed into what I thought was going to be my happy ever after. I became bitter at God for allowing me to be in a marriage where I felt anything but marital bliss and happiness.
I had convinced myself that my marriage and husband were going to be the cure to my issues. Maybe my husband’s goodness would be everything I had been searching for. After all, the bad boys didn’t work out very well. Instead of letting God deal with my issues, I was relying on my husband to deal with them. I was putting my faith in a counterfeit god all in the name of a godly marriage.
Idolatry in its most common form.
We know how well idolatry worked out for the Israelites. Idolatry left them searching for more and more each time. I, too, found myself in a marriage where I was searching for more. As much as I hate to admit this, my husband just wasn’t enough for me. I spent countless nights crying my eyes out because I wanted to love him. I wanted him to be enough for me.
The truth is, he will never be enough for me. My husband was not created to complete me. His role was to complement and lead me. When I begin to feel dissatisfaction toward my husband it has nothing to do with his performance.
The dissatisfaction I feel is a direct reflection of the idolatry lurking in my heart.