I have always been a little inclined to worry about any and every situation in my life. I tend to be the [over-thinker]. I’m the one person in the group who thinks of a situation and EVERY possible outcome of that situation. I would like to say with confidence that I think of every good outcome but that’s rarely the case.
The last few weeks I have been questioning my love for my husband.
* Gasp* I know.
I’m sure you’re thinking, “How could she admit something like that?” Well ladies let’s be honest with ourselves for a moment, our flesh thinks of all kinds of ludicrous things at times. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my husband with all my heart. He is one of the most tender, loving, compassionate men that I have EVER met in my life. He truly loves me like Jesus does. He’s patient and understanding and if it weren’t for his long-suffering, poor guy would’ve had a heart attack by now.
So let me explain what I mean.
I was questioning if I was truly IN LOVE with my husband.
We are trained since we are knee high to believe that love is this mushy gushy, romantic, sweep me off of my feet, feeling that just completely enwraps your marriage to prince charming.
You grow up spending most of your time planning a wedding before you have even met this “Prince Charming” guy, who, by the way, is expected to roll up on some white horse and whisk you off into the sunset. True love just isn’t that false reality. Do you experience butterflies? Yes. Are there moments of true bliss & romance? Yes. But is there a constant fairytale that you embark on? No. True love is messy and an adventure. Its stinky farts, ugly sin and a literal commitment of till DEATH do us part, in sickness and in health, through the good and the bad. Some seasons have more bad than good. But hey, that’s love.
True love is long-suffering, patient and kind. That doesn’t mean you get to be patient and kind only when your spouse is treating you like a princess. This means that you are patient and kind even when your spouse hasn’t picked up his mess or hasn’t greeted you with a kiss. This is true long-suffering love.
So in the midst of my questioning, I began searching for the root of the fear and uncertainty. When you start digging, the Lord will reveal the mess that you’ve been hiding. As the Word of God started washing my ugly soul, I saw that the root of my questioning was selfishness.
The “What do I get out of it?” attitude.
Instead of picking apart my husband or marriage to figure out the problem, I decided to pick apart my soul & intention.
So here are four vital questions I believe we should ask ourselves as wives whenever we aren’t “feeling” the love.
1.) Am I putting my husband’s needs before my own?
Ephesians 5:21 says “Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Ladies we are to be subject (submit unto) our husbands the same way that as Christians we are to be reliant and dependent upon the Lord. When we submit to our husbands, we are making the CHOICE (Not going off of our feelings) to be obedient and kind out of respect to the Lord. Knowing we are doing it unto Christ eases the sting of submitting to a sinner who may have not held his end of the bargain.
2.) Am I looking at love through the rose colored glasses of emotion or the truth of action?
Love, in scripture, is described as a choice. It is a deliberate act of our will. When we fill our minds with fairytale love, we are prone to view love through rose colored lenses. When we fill our mind with God’s word, we are prone to view love as a direct choice. You must make the choice on whose view you will take, the world’s or God’s.
3.) Am I acting in love even when I don’t have the feeling?
We are instructed to respect our husbands even when we don’t feel like it. When I make the choice to respect Seth, it brings unity to not only my marriage but also to the Body of Christ. When I act in love, it’s out of obedience. Scripture never promised that obedience would be easy but we can do it by the power of the Holy Spirit.
4.) Am I pinpointing one thing (daily) that I respect about my husband?
In order to change our behavior, we must first change our thought patterns. As humans we are prone to have victim mentalities. It’s always someone else’s fault, before it’s our own. Scripture teaches us the exact opposite. We should always examine our hearts and change our behaviors. First Peter 3:1-2 even goes on to say “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the Word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
Focus daily on one thing you respect about your husband. It could be as little as he takes out the trash or he works hard for our family. Meditate on that good quality. Choose a new one each day and if you can’t, then continue to meditate on that one good quality and the fruit it reaps in your lives. Just remember, you are human and you will fail. So when you are having a rough day and you waver in your respect, ask the Holy Spirit to open your eyes and show you something else you can respect. Then you can start the process over again.
We aren’t even instructed to love our husbands, we are commanded to respect (be subject to) them.
Respect and Obedience is the purest sign of love. Submission goes against every bone in our flesh. Let’s be honest, gals, even the word submission can make some of us cringe. But I promise with every inch of my soul that submission to your husband is always easier when you are first submitting unto the lord.
So am I in a season of absolute bliss with my husband? No. But I am in a season where my heavenly husband is showing me that the bliss I crave is only found when my soul is submitted to Him first, and then to my husband. The more I allow my husband to lead, the more I gladly follow. It’s in this respect area that I find I am the most in love with my husband. God’s design for our lives is perfect. It doesn’t always make sense, but it reaps sweet fruit. If you find yourself feeling lonely in your marriage, you will benefit from this article.
P.S I have been asked several times about our photographer. Evalani Stockton-Nieto is our dear friend and amazing photographer. She has done all of our photos from engagement, wedding, maternity and family. She is amazing. You can follow her on.. Facebook: Timeless Keepsake Photography. Instagram @timeless_keepsake_photography
Happy Love & Respect.